A Subscription Box for the Worst of Times

We have reached subscription box critical mass.

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There seems to be a Crate for everything these days. Loot Crate (pictured above) for the NEEEEEEEERDS. BirchBox for the beauty nuts.

beauty nuts

Do you like snacks and being healthier-than-thou? Try Graze.

You know what every dork needs more of? TEE SHIRTS.

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So sign up for this tee subscription, also from Loot Crate.

Do you even lift? [Brushin' the dust off that meme.] Try JACKED PACK, which you need to write in caps lock. You can even get them for your dog!

At this point in my box research, I’m like, “How many of these are there???” Like a detective realizing he’s only ¼ of the way through a psychopath’s trophy collection, I’m both horrified and mesmerized by the sheer volume of content. If you have an interest, you can subscribe to a box about it!

Don't have any interests? Never fear! There's The Monthly Mini Mystery Box of Awesome, and "awesome" is the hipster equivalent of "basic af." WHY ARE WE STILL SAYING AWESOME like it makes you quirky!?!?!?!?!?! I’m fine if someone uses it as actual affirmation. “Wanna hang?” “Totes.” “Does Thursday work?” “Yas.” “Awesome.” But saying the Awesomest Awesome That Ever Awesomed hasn’t sounded funny or cool since at least 2000.

Also, get your garden gnome branding out of my face. Another thing that is no longer unique or quirky or random.

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Also ALSO, OMG the guy explaining his Mystery Box of Awesome is named Chad. IS THIS A JOKE? Perhaps a bit from an improv show circa 2006????

I’d love to delve further into this question, but this tangent is getting out. of. hand.

Garden gnome logos aside, I would love to have an extra $10-$150 a month to spend on what is basically just a lil present to myself, but I don’t understand this kind of disposable income. Maybe it’s my freelancer’s paycheck, but why do you want to spend money on stuff you’re not sure if you want yet?

I propose a subscription box of stuff that everyone actually wants. Such as *clears throat*

1. A $20 Bill

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All these boxes say they're worth way more than the ticket price. What if it actually was worth more because it came with MONEY?

2. A Detailed Career Action Plan for the Month

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It's easy to work hard when you know what to work hard at. But the hardest part of getting ahead is knowing how to get ahead, so my dream subscription box comes with a personalized to do list complete with deadlines and maybe even some color coding if we're really going all out.

3. Enough Coffee to Carry Out Said Action Plan

Cause, let's face it, we're all either lit or lazy and the only thing that will help us overcome is that sweet, sweet caffeine.

4. Some Good Fucking News for Once

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We deserve it, goddamn it! The antichrist is in office, the apocalyptic weather is off the chain, and racists are running through the streets with impunity. Though I was bolstered by Harvey Weinstein's immediate firing after the stunning sexual harassment accusations against him were made public, let's be real. His firing is based on PR shame and not any actual ethics.

I could really use a news story like, "CEO (that happens to have a vagina) Faces No Scrutiny for Taking An Extended Maternity Leave." Or "Single-Payer Healthcare for All."

DREAMY SIGH...that would be nice...

5. A 12-pack of Plush Ankle Socks.

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That’s almost a new pair of socks every other day. ONLY KINGS LIVE THIS WELL.

6. Some Really Cute Pictures of Myself Just “Doing Life” to Post on Social Media

I LUV Instagram, Snapchat, Twitter... I even go on Facebook now and then!!!! Yet I find myself running out of Insta-worthy moments on a day-to-day basis. Maybe I'm just not enough of a manic pixie to see something of beauty at an El station. Maybe I just got PLACES. TO. BE. Either way, I'd post a lot more selfies if I didn't have to remember to take them.

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7. A Shitton of Rhinestones

If you live under a soundproof rock, you may not know that I perform burlesque. I want all of my costumes to be blinged out as all hell; my confidence in my number is directly proportional to how rhinestoned it is.

Therefore I would love a big ass tub of rhinestones every month to add to my already-built 'stumes [yes I did just abbrev costumes and don't you dare judge me] and to inspire new numbers.

Even if you don't do burlesque, you could still use a tub of rhinestones. Seriously. Search Pinterest for "rhinestone." DIY, MOTHAFUCKAS.

8. Single-Payer Healthcare (That Includes Birth Control and Abortion Access, Mental Health Care and Wellness Coverage, and Preventative Screenings)

I was having trouble thinking of a final item to include, so I started revising. Reading through my list, I was struck by my GOOD NEWS headlines. OF COURSE! The first subscription you receive comes with the good news SINGLE-PAYER HEALTHCARE FOR ALL (AND YOUR FIRST MONTH STARTS NOW! YOUR INSURANCE CARD IS LITERALLY IN THIS BOX!). Every subsequent month, you'll get your necessary prescriptions and an appointment reminder card for the coming month. Both will come in pretty cellophane bag tied with ribbon.

This will also be my biggest platform when I run for president.

VOTE FOR ME!

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