I Fixed "The Emoji Movie"
The reviews are in. The Emoji Movie is “is just one giant troll from stoned Hollywood execs.” [Jezebel]
SHOCKING. How could a movie about anthropomorphic, fancy emoticons be “a big steaming zero-star pile of 💩?????????” [NY Daily News]
Maybe because we DON’T GIVE A FUCK about emojis. Unlike the fictional Wreck-It Ralph or Buzz Lightyear, we know emojis all too well. They’re a product we use every day. It’s like a making a movie about dish soap. Unless you work to give Dawn the DishSoap a compelling character or decent story arc, your “movie” is just an 80-minute advertisement. And we all already use emojis, so there’s not a even a reason to make an ad. WE’RE ALREADY BORED.
Apparently, just as bored were the writers of The Emoji Movie, since the whole thing is “more than a bit lazy.” [Variety] Hey, writers and producers, maybe you’re all lazy and bored because your main character is literally the emoji-personification of boredom. MEH. The protagonist is the MEH emoji.
“Oh! I have a cool idea for a compelling character: A BORED GUY.”
“Great idea, Ted! I mean, write what you know, right??”
UGH. Be creative for a change! You’re making a movie about talking emojis. It’s all totally made up! You get to make all the rules! Why use the Everyman as your protagonist when you could pick literally anything else and it would be more interesting? Why not make this Eggplant’s story? While Eggplant does appear in The Emoji Movie, he’s “somehow in the ‘Losers Lounge’ reserved for never-used emojis.” [Man Repeller] Sidenote: guys, Eggplant is like the most common emoji. Get with the program.
What other emojis would be in the Losers’ Lounge? Maybe pick some of those lesser-used images to populate your main cast of characters. You know, the emojis that won't make both audiences AND YOU instantly yawn and start thinking about what you want to eat for lunch. Here is who should have starred in The Emoji Movie.
Gender non-conforming and fucking fabulous, our new protagonist is the Glam Rocker emoji. GRocks just wants to tour the world with their band, making music and love and a name for themselves.
Glam Rocker’s best friend, Salsa Dancer is just as fabulous but a little bit more subtle. She’s coy, she hides her face, yet she’s more than confident in her ballroom dancing skills. Salsa also longs to tour the world, but she’s more focused on her craft where Glam is more focused on the spotlight.
Kissing Lesbians take up the last two spots in our fantastic four of heroes. If Glam is the Gryffindor and Salsa is the Hufflepuff, Kissing Lesbians are the Ravenclaw and the Slytherin. Which one is which? WHO KNOWS!? Emojis don’t have personalities or distinguishing facial characteristics!
Probably A Pedophile aka Mustache Santa
Okay, this guy is obviously our villain. His nefarious plot can be stolen from almost any SVU episode, but somehow Glam Rocker, Salsa Dancer, and Kissing Lesbians stumble upon his sex dungeon/child porn collection/murder victim* and must stop him before it’s too late! Oh, this plot is bananas and totally inappropriate for a family film?? GUESS WHAT, IT’S A MOVIE ABOUT EMOJIS! THE VERY PREMISE IS BANANAS AND MAKING PEOPLE WATCH THIS MOVIE AT ALL IS INAPPROPRIATE.
Probable Pedo’s goon is Unblinking Clown. His grease paint strikes fear into the hearts of even the most intrepid texter, and his unblinking stare belies the true meaning of the word STAHP.
Throughout their quest to stop Mustache Santa, our Heroes meet many colorful characters!
Zipper Mouth: Keeper of secrets, is Zipper Mouth friend or foe?
Any/All of the Animal Emojis: They’re just so heckin cute! I don’t care if their presence makes sense or not. NOTHING ABOUT THIS MOVIE MAKES ANY SENSE.
Demon Masks: Mischievous and more than a little annoying, the Demon Masks are akin to the Wild Gang from Labyrinth.
Weed Emoji: Okay, I know it’s just an extra puffy tree, but it looks like weed to me, and our tenacious heroes will definitely need some substances to get through this mission/quest/thing.
Sketchy Moons: The Tweedles Dee and Dum of the story, the Sketchy Moons speak in riddles and giggle a lot.
Peach and Eggplant: Because let’s be real, these are the only emojis people actually use! WINK FACE!!
* My actual idea for a plot is that Pedo Mustache Santa is trying to turn underage texters into underage sexters, and Our Heroes must use their creativity, strength, and moral fortitude to convince the youths to turn Pedo Santa into the authorities.
The Emoji Movie currently has a 6% rating on Rotten Tomatoes, which is up from the 0% it had when I first began “researching” this article. If you’re somehow still interested in seeing The Emoji Movie, it is now showing in theatres in the US and Canada. Just make sure to bring some