Dear White Guys With High Cheekbones: STAHP
Y'ALL. We need to have a talk.
Three movies came out this past weekend that are getting a lot of buzz. Ad spots, tweets, Spotify playlists, reviews on every blog I read...the Hollywood Powers That Be really want us to see John Wick: Chapter 2, The Lego Batman Movie, and Fifty Shades Darker.
Ummmm, this was supposed to be Valentine's Day weekend??? THIS IS WHAT THE WORLD WANTS US TO WATCH WHILE WE SNUGGLE UP TO OUR LOVED ONES:
Maybe I'm overreacting. Maybe most movies are just stupid, and so it's just probability that on any given weekend all the movies coming out are DUMB. But how often are Hollywood's choices accidental? Answer: never. If you wanna make money on V-Day Weekend - and of course all the EPs and studios do - you intentionally release movies you think will be good for date night.
And what does it say about us that ALL THREE date night movies center on an Angry White Boy with a Dark Past?
ARE WE OKAY?
Disclaimer: don't tell me to see John Wick. I like action movies. Who doesn't? They're fun as hell. But I know that dog dies so I refuse.
A cursory Google Image search tells me he gets another dog, which is good but still. Unwatchable for this gal.
For a moment, let's take Mr. Wick out of the dog-inspired revenge spree. He's angry, he's brooding, and he handles a ton of firearms. Is this what I'm supposed to look for in a potential mate?
Or should I go after more of a Batman type? Brooding, angry, lots of weapons...wait, that sounds exactly like the first guy.
It makes no difference to me that this version of Batman is a toy. Yeah, yeah, it's marketed to children, so I get it. Take your whole family to a fun movie for Valentine's! Adorable! Teach your boys to be angsty and your girls to mistake angst for intelligence! Teach your gender non-binary children NOTHING because movie execs DGAF about them! SO CUTE!
And, sure, it's supposedly a kids movie. But you know that every manchild who spends more on Legos than he does on utilities will be there with a semi watching his fave dude + his fave toys.
Maybe I'm just mad cause I'm like so over Batman. Dude needs to lighten up. I know you're sad about your past, but you're a fucking gazillionaire AND a crime-fighting powerhouse. YOUR LIFE IS COOL SO STOP WHINING.
But, you know what? He's hot in movies, so I guess he's a good candidate for a life partner! Too bad he'll never fully trust me, disappear for days at a time, and NEVER FEEL HAPPY NO MATTER WHAT I DO.
Last but not least...
Another rich, brooding white boy! HUZZAH!
Yes, Jamie Dornan, your Irish looks are bonnie good. But cheekbones notwithstanding, Christian Grey is a human barf emoji.
Let me be clear: no shade to BDSM. You do you. BUT as many critics of the Fifty Shades books say, this ain't no healthy kinky relationship. Says pro dominatrix Lady Velvet Steel,
Respecting. Boundaries. That's a good rule for every sexual relationship. Make sure your partner is safe and is having fun! Listen to Dan Savage for, like, five minutes and you'll get it! If E.L. James had ever learned from Mr. Savage (and his frequent guest Mistress Matisse), 50 Shades could be a legitimate BDSM awakening! A learning experience for readers that could help kinky readers come into their own and encourage vanilla readers to discuss their sex lives with their partners and teach everyone to respect others' boundaries. Instead, we get a brooding, angry, borderline abusive white boy.
BUT IT'S OKAY CAUSE HE BOUGHT HER A HELICOPTER RIDE AND A LAPTOP.
IT'S OKAY CAUSE HE'S RICH AF.
^Maybe if we stop romanticizing the angry, wealthy white man, we wouldn't have come to this.^
All these angry men are also violent men, but we ignore the violence cause it's dressed like Christian Bale.
These guys are killers, stalkers, and I'm-not-going-to-kill-them-but-I'll-leave-them-for-dead-ers. Romanticizing them softens their blow.